“I want people to like me.”
This was me. This was my thought.
I used to spend a lot of energy trying to get people to like me. A lot. People I didn’t even like or have a connection with—I wanted to win them over.
I made friends with people who were not very nice and dated men who weren’t that into me, always trying to conform to something that would make them happy, and like me more. I tried to be a more “perfect for them” version of myself. And not surprisingly, the relationships didn’t last long. They required took too much work and were inauthentic.
It was just before I met my husband, that I came to a realization: There were people in the world who actually loved me, flaws and all. Perhaps they even loved me BECAUSE I had flaws.
Whoa.
It was this mindset shift that got me out of another toxic (for me) relationship and into a space where I could meet the man of my dreams, (which happened mere weeks after this realization).
I know I am not alone in this. I coach many men and women leaders on “people-pleasing” and “perfection.” I think the two are related. They both hold you back from being the strong leader you were meant to be.
When you are constantly thinking about how you can make someone else happy, you are giving them the power and responsibility of making you feel better. Meaning, you will feel good only when they think you are awesome.
Check this out: “I will feel like a better person if this person likes me.” In this example, “this person” is the one with the power.
Yuck.
Take it a step further– if you are thinking to yourself, “I just want them to like me,” how are you showing up? A little needy (please, oh please be my friend, please like me)? A watered-down version of yourself (people won’t like the real me)? A perfectionist (people will like and admire me more)? Definitely not showing up as the strong, capable leader you are and would like to be.
Here is what I teach my clients (after extensive coaching on this myself)
- Be true to you and who you want to be and people will be attracted to your confidence and authenticity.
- Love yourself and others will love you naturally.
- Not everyone MUST like you and it’s okay if they don’t.
“Forcing” someone to like you rarely works, and “Perfection” is subjective. Like utopia, you will never get there no matter how hard you try.
Let’s get clear: A little coaching
- How does “people-pleasing” and “perfection” show up in your life? List all of the ways on a piece of paper.
- Do these things affect you positively? Negatively? Do they serve you? Or do they hinder you?
- Do you want to keep any of these? Or discard any of them?
- Take action.
Ready for more?
Does this post resonate with you? Email me or grab a time on my calendar right now if you would like to try a free 1:1 coaching call. We can break this habit once and for all. I understand and I can help.
P.S. ARE YOU READY? I have just a few spots for new clients to round out my VIP Lead Strong coaching practice starting in January. If 2020 is YOUR year, apply for a spot today by sending me an email to set up a call.
